Two Years Ago Right Now...

We were still happy and expecting our second child, not sure if it's a boy or girl, not sure of a name, not sure of how many more hours of labor. If we had only known what was coming next......we would have done it all over again. That statement has taken some time to say without crying. For a time after Tyson's birth and death, we just wanted it all to stop and go away and for everything to be different.
Two years later, I'm not sure what to say. The build up to what would have been Tyson's second birthday and is instead an "anniversary" has been uncomfortable, but not as intense as last year. Our "new normal" still finds me at times anxious, snappy, pissed off, lost, so happy to be through "the worst of it", thankful, sad, guilty, strong, more focused, overwhelmed, observant, scattered and often unable to identify what is causing such strong emotions. In other words a little bit crazy and mostly OK with it. Our lives have changed so much in the past two years, it is sometimes hard to quantify or qualify.
Last year we were playing the "one year ago today, we were doing this and life was still OK" game and now we can say "one year ago, our world was already changed", so that makes it a bit easier to be more present with day to day stuff. Although I think grief is (and should be) a life long journery, we are in a better place and feel that we have come out of the dark- most of the time. We are integrating our experience with Tyson into our lives and finding a place for it all. This past few weeks, we have had time to look back on where we have been and what we have done since our world crashed down around us. We are thankful for the friendships that have formed or remained strong, for the support we have received and the love that has been shared. This year we have more answers for "what are we going to learn from this?" and "what will we do from here?" I can't say we are totally excited with all of our answers, but we are excited that our focus is more positive now.
I think that is enough late night ramblings from a cracked Mommy, I will try to sleep now since I have two wonderful, beautiful, healthy, happy, energetic boys to care for early in the morning.
I will finish today with the same words I said to Tyson. "Thank you for coming to visit us on earth, we love you!"